One night when we were younger my brother and I read through Wright's comedy and basically laughed for a solid hour. I probably gained about 5 years on my life then. Here do something for you health : )
<--- He looks like DeNiro with lots of hair.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. But, I'm afraid of widths.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
Ode to Science
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there.
So what's the speed of dark?
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
Smoking cures weight problems...eventually...
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Speaking from Experience
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child....eventually.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane.
All the plants in my house are dead--- I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the porch light on all day. When I got home the front door wouldn't open.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
My girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes." I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you need a silencer?
Is "tired old cliche" one?
If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?